The E-Wall

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: "Golden Age of My Negative Ways" by Less Than Jake
CURRENTLY READING: Everything at the Linda Hall Library

So, I guess I sit here again... theoretically decreasing my duck number by one. I had pretty much written this one off because of 5(+) other things, but when she talks about just making sure when we go out for beers, that it doesn't count as a date... that's when I know that I was correct in not asking her out. (Psst... especially because I was more interested in another girl that we worked with, but don't really have the job/confidence/ASL skills to ask out. And no, the girl that I am interested in is not deaf, but her parents are...) And I might not be up to VU standards if her brother is grilling me.

I've been putting off going on any sort of dates (January's fiasco aside), because of the whole jobless state-of-mind that I am currently in (sure, I am still me for the most part, but I can't bring my normal chemical engineer, actually making a difference to society, A game self). If I even have an A game anymore... I can probably bring a strong B- game. Well, we'll see how life goes and where I go from here. Hmmmm....


Sit back and watch the train wreck, watch me jump off the deep end
I won't lie, my mistakes take up every minute of my life
It's been the down fall of me, that misery just loves my company
And this voice is scared to say that I don't really mind.
Cause it's the golden age of my negative ways
I wouldn't want it any other way today.
I'm just a codependent, unemployed and unimportant
I won't lie, my missteps confuse everyone in my life
I don't have an answer, of why I'm always moving backwards
And this voice is scared to say that I don't really mind
I always walk the line between lows and highest heights and I don't mind
cause it's the golden age of my negative ways
and I wouldn't want it any other way today.
I wouldn't want it any other way!

Just got the FOAD/"we would work best as friends line". Bummer.

At least I have narrowed my "duck hunt" parameters by one. ;)

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: "Amber Changing" by Rise Against (it's interesting to think back to the days when I was straight edge like this band... minus the veganism... my how I have changed)
CURRENTLY READING: Whatever I have to read tomorrow while I take my dad to the doctor.

So I guess this is an update to the girl that I have been interested in for the past few months or so. We started out with a bang (talking/texting daily), some mutual acquaintances asked me about this girl I was talking to all the time , we met up once, then she laid off of everything (later I found out through her friend that it might have been because of my scraggly beard/uncool glasses... the last post... some things I could work on easily), so I wanted to know what was going on (she said I should FOAD minus the D), then she starts texting me again a few days later when I went out to brunch with my dad. We had a few cool days actually hanging out together, set up another date (she bailed because she was sick) and then things have been sporadic since then. I would text/message her to ask how things are going/say happy V-Day, but it's kind of a God thing... you talk, but you don't know if anyone is listening. Until tonight, when she texted me with "I...have had toooooo mch to drink tonight.." I think it might be hit or miss with this girl. But I'm willing to take my chances (hell, I was interested in taking her to NC with me if I got the job if she was interested that much in me and wanted to get out of KC). Things might have gone badly once Mandy and I moved in together, but I wouldn't even give it half a heartbeat before doing a similar thing with my duck.

Information kept to myself and everybody wants to know,
I trust the words of no one else cause I've been there before,
Your voice is wasted 'cause I'm not listening

These callused fingers are wrapped around a black ball-point pen,
These eyes don't wander as far as they at one time did,
I've seen the future, it's fading faster

No place that I'd rather be than right here, right now
No time that I'd rather be than right here, right now

I'm on the other end begging you, pick up the phone,
A shaking whisper is answering, don't call anymore
Your voice is wasted 'cause I'm not listening

Freeze me in this moment,
Thaw me in ten years, (thaw me in ten years)
When the fire's burned out and the smoke (clears)

No place that I'd rather be than right here, right now
No time that I'd rather be than right here, right now

Let's just pretend
Let's just pretend
Let's just pretend, let's just pretend,
Tonight will never end
Let's just pretend, let's just pretend,
Tonight will never end

No place that I'd rather be than right here, right now
No time that I'd rather be than right here, right now

Aforementioned girl told me FOAD (without the die) on a Thursday, I partied to forget her, and then she started texting me again and inviting me over on a Sunday and Monday. Now that we're back to texting each other randomly through the day and hanging out as schedules/distance allow, her friend is asking me to keep a secret from her (apparently something that the aforementioned girl knows/wants, but it's supposed to be a secret). I'm not really into the high school-style "so and so likes you, but didn't want to tell you themselves" stuff, but we'll see what kind of cluster fuck this might turn into (especially if I get the job I interviewed for in NC). Ho-hum. I'll try to keep you all on the d-l as things move forward, backward, diagonally, or twisty. :)

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: MoS
CURRENTLY READING: NYT Crossword Puzzles

Wow! Has it really been more than a year? Hmmm, so much to say, but gotta get something down on e-paper before my life starts going crazy. I was talking to this girl online for awhile because we both had common friends and it just started as casual conversation, but it led to us actually going out... Now I've been pretty interested in her through most of our conversations and going out, but now she has just kind of dropped off over the past few days. Take it as a bad sign yet? Or just let things go for a bit longer and see if she initiates anything over the next few days? Hmmm.

One thing I can see she wouldn't be too keen on is that I'm going for an interview in NC. If it pans out, I'll be moving there and that would probably put a kibosh on any further interaction. But nothing is set in stone and I have another pretty set offer if I want it with a company here in town. NC would definitely be the choice if job was the only factor that matters.

Ponder and discuss amongst yourselves.

Is it due to my desire for love lost? Or is it anticipation of love to come?'
Or do I have a problem with either?

Or do I just feel abject towards the parts of my life that I currently want to care about the most? (e.g. livelihoods that should be dreams, friends that should be more, more that should be friends, dreams that should be livelihoods)?

It might take me a bit, but I hope to figure it out. I won't let it affect my current status or future ambition, but it is good to notice that I have to conquer it.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: "Out Through the Curtains" by The Hush Sound

Festivus!

Like the light was I all I had
I struck the book with my last match
The candle burned so soft and slow
I felt the warmth and felt it's glow

Salt, tasting tears,
They roll off my lips
One for each day
I'm inside this house
It's a trap,
One I can't quite escape
So pretend it's the place that I love
Won't let it pass me by again
Won't let it pass me by again

The grass was clipped
The summer sun
Was beating down
On my front yard
All the boys and girls would laugh
I watched them through the curtain's crack

Place all your bets
And watch me lose
The life that I got,
Would never use
Dream every night
That one would come true
But only bad ones ever do